“Lighthouses don't go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” Anne Lamott
In this follow up article to ‘A story of love and hope for Ben and me.’ I am sharing two additional insights on grief’s gift and impermanence. And further unpacking the question raised in the last article, which was a version of “What else could I have done?”.
I got a little stuck on this question 😐. As a survivor it's a common question we ask ourselves. It's can come from a feeling of guilt, which is normal, but not very helpful. So, today my goal is to reframe that question and instead of asking it from an historical place of guilt, ask it from a place in the present where I can do better.
All of us can only do better in the present, therefore, I want to use it as a catalyst for change. I know it’s a question that Ben would not want me to dwell on. And I believe that no matter how traumatic a past experience has been, living in guilt or partially blaming ourselves is not of benefit to anyone (dead or alive).
If you are grieving and dealing with guilt, this is a great article from the team at www.whatsyourgrief.com, which includes simple (but not always easy) tips to help cope with guilt. Excerpt from article:
“Here's the deal – guilt is a feeling. Feelings need to be validated and we need to find ways to accept, integrate, and move forward with these feelings. We can’t stop feeling guilty because someone tells us to – sorry, that's sadly just not how feelings work. So, when it comes to why we feel guilt, it is important to reflect on the reasons for our guilt and then consider ways we can cope with guilt. But first and foremost, we need to accept that guilt is a common and normal feeling in grief.”
When it comes to the wider concept of grief, for me it feels a little like stress. Importantly, stress can be positive. It can create action and motivate us to improve ourselves and our community. Which is the purpose of writing these articles.
With that objective in mind, here are the 4 key lessons from the first article reframed so that they become positive present-day statements, versus ‘should haves’ from the past:
Today, I am changing my behaviour by:
Listening better.
Prioritised love and kindness.
Showing more vulnerability by sharing my own stories of doubt and uncertainty.
Learning more about treatment and support programs for mental health conditions.
“It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder.' “ Aldus Huxley
If you need urgent support or are worried about someone, remember you are not alone. Mental health conditions are treatable, support is available, and recovery is real. You’ll find links to support and resources at the bottom of this article.
Moving on, below I unpack two concepts that I’m beginning to understand better, which is helping the Grief Train journey become more fun.
Concept 1: Finding gifts in grief
Whilst not always easy to find or hold onto, there is always a gift in grief. Opportunities within the obstacle.
I’m getting more clarity on the most important gift that Ben has given me - to be kinder to myself and others.
During Ben’s service last August, a number of his close friends spoke about how he saw the world differently, how he saw light where others saw darkness, that he was a positive optimist (oh the irony). To borrow a phrase from one of his best old mates James, Ben was an ‘anti-cynic’, generous with his time and kindness.
By contrast, my memories of the past few years with Ben are darker. I don’t remember much light. Memories are selective and often when looking back we remember in detail and depth the negative experiences, whilst brushing over the positive. I know that, but even still I find it difficult to reconcile other people’s happier memories of Ben with my darker, more bitter ones.
What is helping me reconcile these memories is reminding myself that people are complex. And that I should not apply a single label to my brother.
With that objective in mind I have begun remembering the parts of Ben I’d forgotten, the generous Ben, the confident and positive Ben. One memory of Ben that shines through above the others, is his enthusiasm and kindness. He had a smile for everyone.
Which brings me back to the most important gift Ben’s life has given me, which is to be kinder to myself and others. It’s so simple, yet so powerful.
“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” Henry James
Concept 2: Impermanence
Everything is in a state of flux, and by recognising that I am more content.
We surround ourselves with structures that appear permanent. We talk about flow, yet break things down into 1’s and 0’s, applying fixed measurements to almost everything. Structure and the illusion of permanence is all around us. Even in the self-help game people talk about legacy as if it’s something permanent we can create.
Whereas the only thing in this universe that is permanent is change. From the universe to your body, it is all in a constant state of flux. Your body is dying and replacing cells every second. Current science tells us that 3,800 cells in your body die and are replaced every second, that’s around 330 billion (yup billion) of the cells in your body dying every day!
Wherever you are right now, it won’t be the same tomorrow. In 1 year, your job will have changed, in 5 years you’ll probably have a new job. In 10 years, it’s a fair bet you will have lost a close friend or family member (if you’re lucky only 1). In 20 years, your family dynamic will have completely changed, and in 50 years one of the buildings you live, work, or play in will have disappeared completely. Everything you care about changes, and you are losing stuff all the time (I’m not talking about car keys my friends), I’m talking about your childhood, youth, hair, jobs, pets, colleagues, muscles, houses, possessions, etc.
Understanding and accepting that my world is in a constant state of flux and change helps. Knowing that loss is everywhere and everything I touch is changing, helps me handle my grief. The bonus is that this acceptance strengthens my detached mindset, improving my happiness and helping me make better decisions.
So, whilst I miss Ben and wish he was still here, reminding myself of the impermanence of everything helps.
Wherever Ben is right now, that is where he is. I am here and he is there. Tomorrow I will be somewhere else, and he might be too. And whilst I miss him, just like me he was never going to stand still.
The only thing in life that is permanent is change, and sometimes that can be comforting.
“Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.” Arab proverb
As always, thanks for listening, be safe, be kind, and have a great day. 💪🏽💚💥
Cheers, Gareth
Support options:
Mental health conditions are treatable, support is available, and recovery is real. You are not alone. If you need support, in Australia call Lifeline on 13 11 14, and in NZ 0800 54335. See below for where you can also get help:
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